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Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a fulfilling life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my personal and work life. It frustrates my loved ones and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t think I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve read that professional help might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than striving. Much of effective counseling is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to consider and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid shame or being seen, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of annoyance and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This journey will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.